


Alternate: The One He Wanted

by I_Gave_You_Fair_Warning



Series: AU of an AU, Because We Can [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Hope-Filled Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 12:53:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11418393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Gave_You_Fair_Warning/pseuds/I_Gave_You_Fair_Warning
Summary: The One He Wanted went one direction. This takes place directly after first chapter of that story, and continues in a completely different direction.





	Alternate: The One He Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> Long promised and finally here, the alternate version for “The One He Wanted” Chapter 2. If you want to go reread “The One He Wanted” Chapter 1 in preparation for this, by all means do so. Otherwise, don't worry about it.
> 
> This was the first version of Chapter 2 that I wrote, but at the end I looked back and realized it changed too much of Chapter 1 for me to be comfortable with it, so I went back to the drawing board and made the official Chapter 2. The fact remained that this was written, so I cleaned it up, ran through it a couple more times, and here we go.
> 
> Courtesy Warning for Qui-Gon Jinn Fans: He's anything but a goodguy in this.

 

“Anakin.”

Steadfastly not hearing Qui-Gon, Anakin Skywalker had to make a choice: take the four seconds it would cost to reach the end of the line and snag one of Alicka's muffins before they were gone, or get the hell out of there  _ now,  _ with a greater chance of dodging Qui-Gon _. _

He chose the muffins.

Qui-Gon was  _ not  _ worth missing these tiny puffs of paradise.

He reached the goal, knowing Qui-Gon was closing in. He piled four on his tray, then made a beeline for Obi-Wan's table.

His master had been quiet the last few days, not eating much, smiling less.

But even  _ he  _ couldn't say  _ no  _ to muffins.

_ So there. _

And halfway there, his time ran out.

Qui-Gon stepped into his path, smiling. “Anakin. You wouldn't believe how hard it's been to track you down the last few days. Glad I finally caught you.”

Obi-Wan had been the one suffering from Anakin's escape artistry many times.  _ Your turn. _

“Yeah? I've been busy,” Anakin said, tone neutral.

“Mind if I—?” Qui-Gon reached for one of the muffins.

“It's Obi-Wan's,” Anakin said flatly.

Qui-Gon glanced back at the counter. “There's more. He can—”

“It's  _ Obi-Wan's. _ ”

Qui-Gon peered into his face. “Is everything all right, Anakin?”

“It's good.” Anakin kept his expression carefully blank. If there was one thing Obi-Wan had taught him, it was how to  _ outlast. _

_ And  _ he's  _ the one I owe everything to. Not you. _

“I'm concerned about you. Are you sure everything is fine? It's almost like you're avoiding me.”

Anakin flicked his eyebrows in a facsimile of surprise. “Why would I do that?”

“ _ That's  _ what I'm trying to find out. I would have thought you'd be glad I was back. I thought you  _ were. _ ”

“Yeah, no, you got that right,” Anakin dismissed. “Felt pretty good when you showed up.”  
An amused look lit Qui-Gon's countenance. “Your sabacc face is terrible. Obi-Wan should have worked on that more with you—”

“Obi-Wan did  _ fine, _ ” Anakin interrupted. “He did  _ better  _ than fine. You should be  _ proud  _ of him.”

Qui-Gon stared at him, puzzled. “I am, Anakin. Are you feeling well?”

“Anakin?”

Anakin turned, saw the fear in beloved eyes. His heart twisted.

Obi-Wan looked between the two, a questioning expression on his face. “What's going on?”

“Just chatting with Anakin, here. He's grown into a fine young man.”  
“Yes. He has.” Obi-Wan's chin came up, just a little, and Anakin could sense pride. “If you'll excuse us, Master Jinn, I need a word with my former Padawan.”

“Of course.” Qui-Gon bowed and watched as Obi-Wan grabbed Anakin's sleeve and towed him away.

“Anakin, he's going to  _ figure out  _ something's wrong if you  _ look  _ at him like that.”

“Like  _ what _ ?” Anakin protested. “I was being  _ polite. _ ”

Obi-Wan looked up at him, a helpless expression on his face. “The way you used to look at  _ me _ a couple years ago. Come on, Anakin, he's not stupid. He's taken three young men through their teenage years, he  _ knows  _ what resentment looks like.”

“So?” Anakin shrugged, feeling rebellious. “He deserves it more than you did.”  
Obi-Wan deflated. “I was weak, Anakin. I should not have told you what happened, and I want you to forget it.”

“Obi-Wan, you trusted me. You confided in me. It's too important. Don't make light of that.”

“Anakin, you don't understand.” Obi-Wan glanced around to make sure Qui-Gon was out of hearing range, then murmured, “The people from my planet of origin, Stewjon. There's a very long tradition of emotional outbursts. They were cut off from the rest of the galaxy for a long time, and the inbreeding became a problem. It left native Stewjonians with health problems.”

Anakin's eyes widened. “Wait, are you okay?”

“Yes, Anakin. But my lack of height is one of those near-inevitable Stewjonian traits, and so are— certain hormonal imbalances. It's why my people are so... prone to crying.”

_ Seriously? You?  _ “You're not sick?”

“Ah— no. I mean, for a time I took medication to even things out, but my body is designed to handle the  _ other  _ configuration, and the meds  _ did  _ make me sick, so.”

“So...? You just quit that sentence.”

Obi-Wan frowned. “So I've put a lot of effort into,  _ you  _ know.”

“No. I don't know. Talk to me.” How was he supposed to understand if Obi-Wan refused to communicate?  _ I'm not a telepath, for Force's sake _ .

“Human men feel things  _ less, _ ” Obi-Wan mumbled. “And I didn't want to be one of  _ those Stewjonians  _ who turn the smallest things into big deals.”

Anakin gave him a funny look.

“ _ Please,  _ don't,” Obi-Wan muttered. “ _ Force,  _ I was never going to  _ tell  _ you.”

“Why? Don't what?”

Obi-Wan's shoulders slumped. “The teasing. And then, later, annoyance.”

“Are you kidding me? There's nothing  _ wrong  _ with you, Obi-Wan. It's the way you  _ are. _ ”

“It's not normal.”

“The  _ frip  _ it is. It's your normal. And you seem to think other men  _ don't  _ feel things— that's not true.  _ I  _ feel things.”

Obi-Wan gave him an unconvinced look. “Yes, well, I'm not sure  _ you  _ count—”

“Excuse me?”

“You wear your heart on your sleeve, Anakin. Not a positive trait in a male.”

“Says  _ who _ ?”

“Trust me. As a small male who  _ cried  _ a lot as a youngling, I  _ found out. _ ”

“What? The other younglings?”

“There were two or three who were difficult to endure. The rest were kind. No. Outside the Order, actually. I had friends outside the Order.”

“And they thought you were weak?”

“ _ Girly  _ is the term they used,” Obi-Wan muttered.

Anakin scowled. “You needed better friends.  _ Girly  _ isn't an insult. And the fact they thought it _ was  _ shows there was something wrong with  _ them. _ ”

“The truth of that didn't make it hurt  _ less, _ ” Obi-Wan pointed out. “I've learned how to deal with it, mostly. Qui-Gon's return surprised me. You caught me at a bad time. It won't happen again, and I  _ need  _ you to not let him know it happened.”

“I wasn't going to. Have a little faith, Obi-Wan.”

He could see the fear in his master's eyes as the older Jedi turned to leave.

“Obi-Wan.”

Obi-Wan paused, turning his head just enough to see Anakin out of the corner of his eye.

“You're the strongest man I know.”

A sneer pulled at Obi-Wan's nose.

But Anakin wasn't done. “I just wish you didn't feel you had to make yourself look like someone else.”

“And, what, inflict what I feel on the people around me? It's an imposition, Anakin.” Obi-Wan swept away.

“I hate this image of manhood you've got in your brain,” Anakin muttered. “It fripping stinks.”

But Obi-Wan was out of hearing.

 

* * *

 

“You know, if you hadn't been so worried I was going to think less of you, maybe this could have been avoided,” Anakin said, almost diplomatically as he watched the med droid remove the hair from Obi-Wan's chin so it could have access to the bits of glass embedded in his jaw.

“Don't want to talk about it,” Obi-Wan muttered.

Anakin shrugged. “Fine. But you really  _ don't  _ have to get into fistfights in the lower levels just to prove someth—”

“I said I didn't want to talk about it.” Cold blue eyes met his, a ferocious threat lying silent within them.

_ He's been surly for a week and a half. _

It annoyed the hell out of Anakin. “Why are you so convinced that trusting me is a mistake?”

“It's not trusting  _ you  _ that's the mistake. It's the  _ weakness— _ ”

“Yes, yes. Because only  _ women  _ talk about their feelings, because men don't have any. You  _ do  _ realize what you sound like, don't you?”

Obi-Wan scowled at him. “I'm just as much a feminist as Bant is.”

“I know. Which is why it's  _ weird  _ for you to have this bizarre  _ I Must Be Manly  _ complex going on. It's not like you don't attract people. Almost as many as I do.”

The withering glance thrown his way eased a little of Anakin's worry, but not much.

_ A brawl. He got mixed up in a stupid brawl. _

That wasn't  _ like  _ Obi-Wan, and it scared the kark out of Anakin.

The droid backed away for bandages—

Anakin yelped and stumbled from his perch on the med counter.

_ He looks as young as me. Younger. Ho-ly Sith. _

_ Now  _ Anakin understood why Obi-Wan refused to get rid of the beard.

 

* * *

 

“Force. Look at you,” Qui-Gon smirked, reaching out to ruffle Obi-Wan's hair.

Obi-Wan cringed, his master not noticing.

“One could almost think you were his master,” Qui-Gon joked to Anakin. “Between his height and that baby face, and your power in the Force.”

The muscles along Obi-Wan's jaw tightened and he walked away without a word.

“Damn, he's so young.” Qui-Gon watched him go, concern in his eyes. “Too young to have trained you. It's probably good he didn't take another Padawan after you. I'm sorry for leaving you the way I did.”

“I'm not.”

Startled, Qui-Gon's gaze snapped to his face.

Anakin met his stare with a casual glance that read only innocence.

“I'm sure his worrywart tendencies held you back some.”

“His caution balanced out my recklessness,” Anakin asserted. “I needed that.”

Qui-Gon looked skeptical. “You're loyal. That's a good trait.”

Anakin stared at him in disbelief.  _ What about Obi-Wan's loyalty to you? What about the fact that your very presence is shredding what self esteem he'd finally scraped together? _

“Why did you ask him to train me, if you thought he was so incompetent?” Anakin heard himself demanding.  _ Kark. Kark. I'm not supposed to— _

“Not  _ incompetent _ ,” Qui-Gon protested. “He turned out rather well, all things considered.”

“What things?” Anakin asked, his voice closer to neutral this time.

Qui-Gon shrugged. “Very sensitive. Highly strung.”

“Compassionate and in tune with the people around him.”  
“I wouldn't say  _ that. _ He still has much to learn of the Living Force.”

“His gift is the Cosmic Force,” Anakin blurted. “Why did you keep trying to shove him into a different mould?”

“Study of the Cosmic Force results in a lack of compassion.”

_ Uh, yeah. I don't think so. _ “Obi-Wan is the most compassionate individual I have ever met.”

“He was always worrying about the future instead of dealing with what was right in front of him.”

“So taking on an enemy alone instead of waiting to work with your partner is which? Acting without thinking about how it might affect the future?”

A hint of annoyance brushed Qui-Gon's features. “Has he been fussing about that?”

“What? About what I did on Geonosis when I attacked a Sith alone, without waiting for him, so I could be struck down so he would have to fight the Sith all on his own?”

Qui-Gon's eyes narrowed, but Anakin gave him nothing to find.

“The Cosmic Force isn't special, Anakin. Anyone can have a gift with it.”

_ Actually, I can think of  _ three _. That's it. _

“Obi-Wan would get so tangled up in dreams and hidden dangers lurking in the shadows— strange connections and overall impressions. He was sure there were massive conspiracies everywhere.”

Anakin hated the casually condescending tone. _There_ was _a conspiracy. On your journey to Naboo, already the clones were being made. There was a Sith somewhere, pulling strings. And your own master was toying with the dark side._ _Wonder how much he might have figured out if you hadn't continuously stomped on him for using his gift and tried to force him to be someone else._

“It must have been very frustrating for you, growing up with a Stewjonian for a master.”

Anakin's eyebrow flicked. “I don't know what you mean?”

“Poor kid had a lot working against him.  _ Such  _ a worrier— afraid of his own shadow. Took  _ everything  _ to heart. Life was melodramatic, all the time. We had a mission to take care of this young lady for a year. He became utterly obsessed.”

_ Satine.  _ “He was in love with her.”

“Love?” Qui-Gon chuckled. “He was  _ eighteen.  _ He didn't know what love was.”

“What do you even  _ mean  _ by that?”

Qui-Gon shrugged. “Of course he was going to fall in love many, many times after that.”

“Really.”  _ I happen to know for a fact he  _ hasn't.

“It was inevitable. That's just how life is.”

_ Is it, now.  _ A coldness settled over Anakin's soul.  _ You know, for all the things Obi-Wan has chided me for, he's never insinuated that I  _ don't  _ love Padmé. He's never told me it's not real or lasting because I'm not old enough. That my life doesn't begin until some arbitrary age beyond the point of legal adulthood. _

He didn't have to let his imagination work too hard to guess what Qui-Gon would have to say about Anakin marrying at nineteen.

“I have no doubt that she's moved on, found someone interesting,” Qui-Gon continued, oblivious to Anakin's wandering mind.

 _Why? Because Obi-Wan isn't interesting?_ _You know what—_ “She's dead,” Anakin bit out, even while he felt a warning siren go off in his head.

“Oh.” Qui-Gon's eyebrows rose. “That's certainly moving on.”

“This isn't a joke,” Anakin growled.

Qui-Gon looked surprised. “I didn't mean it as one. The will of the Force is nothing to joke about.”

_ The will of the—  _ “She's dead because I was focusing on the here and now instead of what was coming around the corner. I suspected something was coming, and I did nothing about it. I wasn't there when they needed me. She died. It broke his  _ heart _ .”  _ Put two and two together. _

Qui-Gon gave him a pitying look. “Of that I have no doubt. It's a very easy thing to accomplish, but I'm sure you've discovered that already. Exhausting, isn't it, having to carry him around? You should have seen his tears when I was dying. You would have thought the universe was ending.”

“You know what?” Anakin could hear the bitterness in his own voice, “I'm  _ stunned  _ he didn't report you to the Council. They may have collectively hard asses, but they would have intervened.”

Qui-Gon's eyes widened. “For  _ what _ ?”

“For  _ everything. _ ”  _ You need to shut up, Anakin. Right now. _

Understanding washed across Qui-Gon's face. “ _ This  _ is why you've been avoiding me. I knew there was a change. Obi-Wan told you his life story, didn't he, complete with waterworks? I swear, he can't talk about his past without starting up. As if there aren't people out there who have endured far  _ worse  _ without wearing it on their sleeves.”

“What is  _ wrong  _ with you?” was all Anakin could manage to say.

Qui-Gon waved his hand, everything about him dismissive. “Obi-Wan is overly sensitive, afraid, and interprets the tiniest sigh as a wound. You're a strong young man, I have no doubt it's bothered you in the past, so don't give me that self-righteous look. It's  _ annoyed  _ you that he ends up with hurt feelings every time you blink.”

_ Overly fearful? _

Anakin remembered a master who dove out a window to catch an assassin droid trying to kill the woman Anakin loved. A master who feigned his own death and infiltrated a group of the most dangerous criminals in the galaxy to save a man he didn't even like, but who Anakin trusted as a close friend.

_ He risked his own happiness with me to do everything he possibly could to save him. He thinks he's the reason my mom is dead. No wonder he was willing to go to the farthest lengths to save the Chancellor. What if I hadn't seen that? What if I'd refused to forgive him? Do you have any idea how much that would have hurt him? But he was willing to lose that to save someone close to me. _

_He has only ever tried to step between me and pain._

_Half the time he ends up taking the brunt of it himself._

No. He didn't think Obi-Wan Kenobi had a  _ courage  _ problem.  _ What he  _ does  _ have is a very deeply embedded belief in his own worthlessness. _

Which is why he would be so willing to sacrifice his own relationship with Anakin for one he perceived to be more important.

_ He saw me panic over the Chancellor's life. He doesn't  _ see  _ me when I freak out and decide to go save  _ his.

_All he has to go on are memories from two years ago, when I repeatedly told him he was expendable, in every way I could invent to say it. Sounding like Qui-Gon, only a Padawan instead of a master._

_He's so used to not being first in any relationship that he's not even fighting back anymore._

“You know if you could convince him to take the medication again, it would help.”

Anakin frowned. “It made him sick.”

“He thinks it made him sick.” Qui-Gon shrugged. “You know how picky he is about what he eats.”

_ I know that sometimes when we're in the field and he eats local garbage scraps because there's nothing else, he's unable to keep it down. I know I can hear him retching, even if he manages to find a place where he's not visible. I know Kix is worried by the fact he keeps losing weight.  _ “Do you consider yourself to be a compassionate person?”

Qui-Gon looked surprised, then thoughtful. “I suppose so. I try to make a point of helping the downtrodden when I see opportunities.”

“And you don't consider yourself one of the oppressors who helps trod on those who struggle?”

“I definitely side with the castaways. It's just part of who I am.”

“Thanks.” Anakin gave a nod. “That's all I needed to know.” He turned to walk away.

“I don't understand,” Qui-Gon called, sounding just a bit plaintive. “Why do I get the feeling I failed your test somehow?”

“I have no idea. I'm sure you're being overly sensitive.”

At that, Jinn let him walk away.

The thoughts that simmered in Anakin's mind were anything but benign.

_ How many times did Obi-Wan come to you with a nightmare, only to have you reprove him? My mom might be alive if you'd let him believe in his gift. If you'd simply believed in  _ him. _ You made him so afraid of the Cosmic Force that he wouldn't respond if it punched him in the nose. _

_Defender of the downtrodden, my ass._

 

* * *

 

Something had happened.

Obi-Wan  _ knew  _ it. He could see it in the way Anakin couldn't quite meet his gaze. In the way he mumbled more than spoke.

_ He gave me away. _

Obi-Wan steeled himself for the eventual moment when his former master would decide to act. It took a couple days— longer than Obi-Wan had anticipated— but it happened.

Obi-Wan had remained behind in the Council chamber after the other members had left, taking advantage of the seclusion and view out the windows. With a sigh, he headed out the door.

Only to be cornered by Qui-Gon.

Obi-Wan felt his stomach sink, put on his calm, unperturbed face, made sure his shields were sturdy, and  _ swore  _ he wasn't going to make a fool of himself.

“What did I ever do to deserve this kind of vitriol?”

Obi-Wan blinked. “What?”

“Don't you  _ what  _ me. I remember your passive aggression. I want to know why you would poison that bright young mind into hating me.”

Obi-Wan's chin came up. “I did no such thing.”

“You colored all his perceptions about me, and now he doesn't even want to  _ speak  _ to me.” Qui-Gon fidgeted in his frustration. “One of the worst things about dying when I did was the thought that I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with Anakin as he grew up. Now I  _ have  _ that chance, and you've  _ taken  _ it from me.  _ Why _ ?”

Obi-Wan tried to understand just  _ what  _ was happening here. “You think I programmed Anakin into thinking poorly of you?”

“I  _ know  _ you did.”  
“Because he has no mind of his own to use to come to his own conclusions,” Obi-Wan said dryly. “In my experience, Anakin has always been very choosy about who he bestows his respect upon, and is willing to withdraw it at a moment's notice, only to return it when he feels it's been re-earned. I've experienced both responses aimed my way in cycles through the years.  _ I  _ am certainly not the standard by which he picks his heroes.”

“I  _ found  _ him. I  _ fought  _ for him. You would have  _ left  _ him on Tatooine, you thought him  _ dangerous. _ ”

“I defied the Council for him. It became a moot point because the Council decided to give him to me.”  _ No, no, Kenobi— don't defend yourself. Defending makes him think you're defen _ sive. _ Hold your tongue. _

“Only because I told you to.”

“I chose to override my own judgment in the matter to hold faith with my master, a man who'd just died. I chose to put your wisdom above my own. I confess to being confused as to where I'm at fault so far in your eyes.”

Qui-Gon scowled at him. “I've been listening to the recollections around the Temple of your years with him. You two had a  _ terrible  _ time through his teenage years. I come back, and suddenly you're best friends, closing ranks against me. How did I become the villain?”

“I have never portrayed you as one to him. I have  _ always  _ been respectful of your memory and the things you taught me.”

“I don't see how he could side with  _ you  _ against  _ me. _ ”

Obi-Wan blinked. “I didn't realize there  _ were  _ sides.”

“Don't give me that innocent look. I  _ know  _ you. You're manipulating all of this, just for the kick of seeing us at odds.”

“I'm sorry,” Obi-Wan grit, “but I  _ don't  _ particularly enjoy my family quarreling. If you'll excuse me, I have places to be and I'd like to go now.”

Qui-Gon didn't move out of his path. “I don't see why you aren't willing to share him. It's not like  _ me  _ having a friendship with him is going to make it so he  _ can't  _ be friends with you.”

“Or vice versa, which I have made  _ abundantly  _ clear to  _ both  _ of you, and neither of you are  _ listening  _ to me.”

Qui-Gon smirked, in almost angered disbelief. “This again? I  _ did,  _ Obi-Wan, for the first hundred times or so. And then I tuned you out, as you so clearly did to me.”

That fripping  _ hurt.  _

_I always listened to you._

In fact, when Anakin had begun to push back against him in the preteen stage, Obi-Wan had been baffled and confused. It took a few years before he realized, from watching other teams and speaking with masters of teenagers and parents outside the Order alike that this was  _ normal. _

What he'd had with his master  _ wasn't. _ That level of compliance and careful respect was the exception to the rule.

_ I never tuned you out. Even when maybe I _ should _ have, if the outsiders who look back on all of this are to be believed. _

Obi-Wan kept his mouth steadfastly shut against the words  _ pleading  _ to be let out, words that would only inflame the situation instead of bringing peace.

All he wanted was to be left alone.

Somehow, his silence only seemed to aggravate the older man  _ more. _

“Maybe it was arrogant of me, taking you as my apprentice and assuming there wouldn't be consequences. I should have wondered  _ why  _ everyone else had refused you. Admitted there might be a reason instead of assuming in my pride that I could do better than any of them.”

Tears of pain blurred Obi-Wan's vision, and he slightly ducked his head to conceal them, desperate to keep them from falling. As a child he'd only  _ ever  _ wanted  _ this man's  _ good opinion. Obi-Wan had  _ fought  _ for it,  _ worked  _ for it, given everything he could think to  _ give— _

None of it had been enough.

He suddenly realized his posture must have been changing, because he was standing like a penitent Padawan. Gone was the man who had raised a Padawan, and watched with a bursting heart as he'd stepped from boy to man and taken on a child of his own.

Gone was the Council member who tried his  _ hardest  _ to guide the Order down the right path.

Gone was the man who so  _ many  _ other Jedi, from younglings to masters that even surpassed him in age, went to when they wanted advice, comfort, or simple encouragement.

He didn't even have the beard to hide behind anymore. He didn't even  _ look  _ a day older than the boy who'd had  _ one  _ mission only.

Humiliated, in pain, Obi-Wan stood very still, wishing Qui-Gon would just  _ go away,  _ hopefully before he lost control over the moisture still corralled by his eyelids.

“ _ Hey _ !”

Obi-Wan didn't look up. He  _ knew  _ that voice, and he winced.  _ Stay out of it. Stay  _ out  _ of it, you'll only make it worse— _

But of course Anakin wasn't going to do  _ that. _

Hurried footsteps worked towards them, Obi-Wan closing his eyes against the nightmare.

Now Anakin was going to get to see him humbled too.  _ And there will go any respect he might have for me. _

Obi-Wan felt he hadn't  _ earned  _ any of that respect, but it had felt so  _ good  _ the last year or so. It soothed his heart, calmed his soul—

It would go away, soon. As soon as Anakin figured out how weak his former master  _ really  _ was.

“Get away from him.” Anakin's voice was low, a growled threat. A tone he might use on an enemy.

“This has nothing to do with you,” was Qui-Gon's cross reply. “Obi-Wan is my former Padawan. You have no right to get in the middle of this.”

“That's where you're  _ wrong. _ ” Anakin moved to stand beside Obi-Wan. “Because he and I are a  _ team.  _ We go  _ together.  _ You want to harass him? You're going to have to do it with an audience. Trapping him when he's alone is the behavior pattern of a  _ bully. _ ”

Qui-Gon's voice was cold. “Anakin, kindly leave us to finish our conversation.”

“You don't actually have the authority to command me,” Anakin pointed out. “And  _ actually,  _ since Obi-Wan is on the Council now, you should be calling him  _ Master.  _ He far outranks you now. It's  _ his  _ place to give  _ you  _ orders.”

Obi-Wan stole a swift, horrified glance at Anakin, and then Qui-Gon—

His former master's face betrayed his frustrated disgust. “It should be  _ you  _ in there, Anakin.”

“I'm not ready yet,” was the blunt retort. “But I can tell you  _ one  _ thing. I'm  _ proud  _ of the fact that he's  _ just that good. _ It doesn't  _ bother  _ me when other people bestow accolades on him. I don't feel  _ jilted  _ when  _ he  _ ends up with recognition for something and  _ I  _ don't.”

_ Banthakark. _ Obi-Wan sent him a worried look. Of course Anakin believed that in the heat of this moment, but it  _ never  _ worked that way in practice.

“ _ Look at him _ !” Qui-Gon demanded.

Obi-Wan flinched. He had never been struck by Qui-Gon before, so the instinctive response shamed him, but the older man had a voice like thunder and a build that not only towered over Obi-Wan, but outmassed him as well.

“I  _ do, _ ” Anakin snarled back, eyes blazing, almost as intimidating as Qui-Gon, though not quite as tall. “And of the people standing here, apparently I'm the  _ only one  _ who does. Get  _ out. _ ”

“This is a public area, and while you may be a knight now, I am  _ still  _ a master.”

Anakin's eyes narrowed. “Seriously?”

Obi-Wan  _ just  _ wanted Qui-Gon to step out of the way so he could escape. That is  _ all _ , he had  _ no  _ interest in trying to win the field, or any such  _ ridiculous  _ posturing _. _

_ I have no interest in challenging you,  _ his inward voice wailed.  _ I just want out— _

They were both looking at him.

Kark.

Why were they  _ looking  _ at him?

Obi-Wan blindly grabbed for Anakin's sleeve to tow him away. “If you'll please let us pass,” he murmured, hating the submission in his shoulders and tone, the way his gaze didn't meet Qui-Gon's—

Anakin planted his feet and refused to move.

_ Kill me now. Please. Someone. Anyone. _

If he cried out,  _ really  _ loudly in the Force, could Ventress make it here in time to—

Anakin clearly  _ wanted  _ something _. _ He had an expectant look on his face.

Obi-Wan had no idea what he needed.  _ Whatever it is, you're not likely to get it from me. _

But he was feeling  _ very  _ trapped now, and panic was starting to build. “I need to get out of here,” he whispered.

No one moved.

Anakin and Qui-Gon seemed locked in a stare match.

_ I thought this was supposed to be about me, not about male dominance. _

He didn't  _ care  _ who was at the top of the pecking order, the whole thing was  _ inane,  _ he just wanted to  _ blend in— _

Couldn't they do this posturing thing  _ without  _ him  _ here _ ?

“Please move.” He could barely hear his own voice. Qui-Gon didn't seem to hear him at all. He was glaring with such a vicious intensity at Anakin that it just about stole the last of Obi-Wan's courage.

_ If he looked at  _ me  _ like that— _

So he went very still, desperately hoping Qui-Gon  _ wouldn't,  _ because then he  _ would  _ lose control over the tears.

And that would be the crowning touch to the worst day Obi-Wan had experienced in a long time. He turned to try to escape into the Council chamber again, and paused—

Sweet Force, he  _ couldn't— _

“Qui-Gon Jinn.”

He  _ was.  _ This was going to be  _ bad— _

Two stunned pairs of eyes stared at him in disbelief at his tone.

“Step aside.”

Obi-Wan tried to still the shaking in his limbs, held his chin up, knew his eyes were clouded with tears, knew Qui-Gon could  _ see  _ them—

_ But I am on the fripping Council, Force damn it. _

And what was the point of the position if he couldn't use it to save  _ himself  _ every once in a while?

Qui-Gon moved out of the way, the anger completely shocked out of him.

Obi-Wan sent Anakin a stern look even as a tear escaped his right eye. “With me.”

And then with an almost steady glance at Qui-Gon, he swept down the hall and away.

In the closest turbolift he sagged against the wall, sank to the floor, unable to hold back the tears any longer. They marched away with silent precision, his shoulders shuddering.

“That was amazing,” Anakin murmured, moving to sit beside him. “That was amazing, Obi-Wan.”  
Obi-Wan shook his head. “It looked pathetic.  _ I  _ looked pathetic.”

“ _ No.  _ You stood your ground and got out of there.”

“You came to rescue me,” Obi-Wan scowled. “It only made me look more weak than before.”  
“I'm not the one who got us out of there. You shut him  _ down,  _ Obi-Wan.”

Obi-Wan shook his head. “I  _ told  _ you not to let him suspect I'd told you anything.”

“I'm sorry,” Anakin murmured, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “I'm really sorry, Obi-Wan. I tried. I just... I can't  _ pretend  _ about something  _ this big. _ ”

“I'll keep that in mind,” he muttered.

“That doesn't mean don't tell me things,” Anakin protested, suddenly worried. “Force. I really fripped this up.”

Obi-Wan shook his head.  _ My poor, exuberant Anakin. _

It had been unfair to expect him to feign  _ anything  _ this important.  _ It won't happen again. _

“Hey,” Anakin soothed. “You're okay. You did great.”  
If that was the case, why did Obi-Wan feel about as confident as if he'd wet his pants?

The tears wouldn't quit.

Obi-Wan wanted to hide in his room and not leave again. Preferably forever. Too bad he didn't have Ventress' number.

“What helps?”

He heard the tender question. He chose to answer. “Meditation.”  
“No, really, Obi-Wan.”  
At that, Obi-Wan sprang to his feet, backing away as far as the small confines would allow. “ _ Don't, _ ” he choked. “ _ Don't  _ you start dismissing me like  _ he  _ does. Don't you  _ dare— _ ”

“Easy, Obi-Wan, I just need you to know you don't have to give me the 'correct' answers. It's safe.”

“It's not the  _ 'correct'  _ answer! It's  _ my  _ answer! But for some reason it doesn't  _ count _ . Because what I experience doesn't—” He spun to see the numbers, but they still had several floors to go—

A gentle hand on his shoulder turned him so he could see a worried face. “I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. I was wrong. Please forgive me.”

Obi-Wan stared up at him in disbelief, the shock stilling the tears.  _ What did you just say? _

He couldn't remember Anakin  _ ever  _ saying those words. He'd say  _ sorry,  _ of course, but he'd always follow it with a  _ but you  _ or a  _ but they. _

Obi-Wan waited, but that seemed to be it.

“Have you been taking the time to meditate recently?” Anakin asked, so kind, so caring, and the judgment was  _ gone  _ now—

“I haven't been able to quiet my mind enough lately.” Obi-Wan couldn't meet his compassionate gaze, and looked away. “I just— every time I'm alone my mind is too  _ loud,  _ I can't—”

“That's one thing I know about,” Anakin whispered.

The lift doors opened.

Anakin gently drew him out and down the hall. “Come.”

The younger Jedi led them to Obi-Wan's room, and carefully sealed them in.

Then he sat cross-legged on the floor.

Obi-Wan watched him warily. “You hate meditating.”

Anakin shrugged. “I complain more than is strictly necessary. But it's what you need, so I'm here. Sit.”

Obi-Wan slowly moved to obey. “I don't understand,” he admitted. “Why the change?”

“I didn't realize it actually helps you.”

Frustration spilled through Obi-Wan's mind. “Why does  _ no  _ one believe me when I speak?  _ What is it  _ about me that makes what I have to say irrelevant, something that needs  _ corroboration  _ from someone else in order to even be  _ considered _ ?”  
“We keep trying to measure your experience by our own experiences.” Anakin sent him a sorrowful look. “We're not actually listening to you. We measure you by what we ourselves have lived.”

Obi-Wan managed to keep his gaze this time. “You're admitting to a shortcoming?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Anakin's cheeks reddened. “Close your eyes.”  
Obi-Wan waited until Anakin's own had fallen shut, and then followed suit.

He wasn't sure this was going to go  _ better  _ than on his  _ own.  _ Meditating with Anakin was usually a nightmare, and that was  _ before  _ this whole mess with Qui-Gon—

Obi-Wan nearly gasped as Anakin stilled his soul.

He was  _ there. _ Exactly how Obi-Wan needed him to be, in the way Obi-Wan had yearned for years, and so long ago given up hope of ever finding.

Obi-Wan's spirit reached out for his friend's, and held on as he worked through his own distress. Surrounded by the safety of Anakin's protection, his acceptance, Obi-Wan could turn himself over to sorting through the confused jumble of his mind.

He lost track of time.

Time didn't matter to Anakin.

He was simply here to help Obi-Wan find healing.

Obi-Wan clung to the extended gesture of love, and allowed the silent tears to escape him as he examined the wounds in his mind.

He'd been afraid to do this with Anakin before. Anakin's anger at seeing the injuries would make dealing with this all the  _ harder.  _ He didn't want  _ pity.  _ He didn't want  _ anger.  _ He just wanted to be  _ held  _ while he tried to put the pieces of himself back together _. _

In this moment, Anakin understood.

Sitting facing one another, eyes closed, several centimeters of space between them, hands kept carefully to himself, Anakin held his former master.

And Obi-Wan Kenobi had never felt so loved in all his life before.

 

 


End file.
